Ya I know....it's been over a month and no entry. I haven't been into it lately but do occassionally think about it. But then that requires putting my fingers to the keyboard to type up thoughts I don't really have. I may have a couple snipets now though.
I've been watching a new show called "Alcatraz" and LOVE it. Great idea to the show and with the premise basically being about the "63's" coming back, there are little stories with the main characters that are related to the past during Alcatraz. Make sense? I did google the character names of the inmates are they are fictional. Anyhoo, take a boo at it....Monday nite at 9pm (PST). It's also watchable on
http://www.citytv.com/vancouver/show/micro/180622--alcatraz. I am fortunate to have PVR...and am lovin' it!
I'm still faithfully watching House and Criminal Minds as well. I did, though, just start watching The River which takes place on the Amazon and we all know what sort of weird things happen on that river....du du duuuuh.
I finished another hCG injection course at beginning of Feb and went down 12 lbs BUT since I gained some between Oct and middle of Jan, I ended up just losing what I had gained. No noticeable difference except that my shirts are a bit looser again since that latest gain. I don't plan on doing that diet again. It's too hard and oddly enough, more harder the more times you/I do it. I like/love food too much that I feel really deprived of the good stuff I can't have. I could go on and on about this BUT on the plus side I have made some realizations about myself and that is I need to eat better and lose more weight. So I've been pro-active in that I've joined weightwatchers and this coming Monday will be my first week down. I still weigh myself daily but that'll be different than the WW scale. I flucuate +/- 1 lb so not too shabby....appparently that's normal.
I made dinner this evening and it was a WW recipe; Peppers and Italian Sausage. It really was restaurant flavour quality. Inquire if you'd like the recipe. It also has pasta in it. Very flavourful and all that was added was s & p, basil and parsley.
I finished my 3/4 pharmacy courses at the end of Jan and passed (yay!) I start the last course this Monday and it's gonna be the more boring one yet. But I'll be done all 4 courses by the end of May and that's huge!! I don't plan on writing the big $1400 exam until the fall of 2013 as I have to save money for it. I'd rather save $$ for disneyland this fall than an exam....who wouldn't!?
Now here's the doozy part of my blog entry. I need to get it out. I've been wanting/needing to sleep during the day whether on wknds or right after work for about 2 hrs. I've been NOT motivated to do anything like chores, cook, go to grocery store, read (which I love to do), watch TV even when my couple shows aren't on, talk on the phone and email. I'm sure there are other things but those come to mind first. I strongly feel like I'm in a deep mental slump. I'm missing something from my life to want to look forward to things, to initiate doing things, to stop sleeping so much. I don't have many friends where I live besides those who I work with. I haven't been successful in that area. I haven't met a single guy who'd want to go out with me and it's been YEARS. I've tried looking online and have proved to myself that there aren't any guys in my vicinity but rather the 'sea of fish' are in other areas in the province....unreachable. Work, well that's a whole topic in itself. I don't understand or trust people there. I'm told that you wanna be careful who you talk to/hang with because they can change their tune and reject/turn on you the next day. Comforting. We just got a new manager which looks like there's potential for positive change and basically a new atmosphere of work but I've chatted with co-workers who are leary of anything positive happening because of the past. Understandable. The whole tech regulation bit is stressful but I won't get into that but with me doing these pharm courses/exams and not being CIVA trained (mixing chemo/ IV bags/ TPNs) I'm not eligible for a tech job. That whole experience a year ago this month went horribly and I know that if I try again (with the same trainer), I'll be revisiting those emotions and won't make it through....and that's being realistic. I was given a suggestion to request a new trainer but, knowing me, I hate causing ripples and because the trainer who worked with me is the only designated 'trainer', I'd be asking someone to train me who doesn't have that in their job description. See the dilemna?
I know I have to do what's best for me but I also think (probably too much) about the outcome of my actions in regards to others around me. Ugh....stressful. Do I do what's best for me in the long run or please others to avoid possible confrontation/rejection/being uncomfortable at work? In the back of my mind the answer is clear but the rest of my mind isn't convinced. And because I'm paranoid (maybe not in the full medical sense), I think a lot about what could happen in the most pessimistic way, rather than the chance of something positive happening as a result. My thinking is to not get my hopes up but rather prepare for the worst and hopefully all that's left to happen is good.
I don't know if I'm heading back in the depression direction but I'd like to chat with someone about this. I need help with stuff, to think/talk things through, to figure out why in the past week or so I've felt so 'run-down' mentally. (For lack of a better description).
Ok, that's all for now.
