(Thinking of him)
When will I get married?
When will I meet a guy to date?
How will this happen?
Will I know that I know he's the 'one' for me?
Will my family accept him?
Will he have the qualities I'm looking for, or the complete opposite?
These questions, plus many more, constantly float like in a whirl pool within my mind. I'm 31, the oldest of siblings, and the last one to find a guy and to get married. I was so sure, years ago, that I would be the one married first. Why I thought that is beyond me because I really only have had 2 serious relationships. Those odds weren't great for finding the 'one' for me.
One thing I hear often is, 'you'll find him when you're not looking or least bit expecting'. Well that's a lame sentence.....when I haven't looked there's been NOBODY. I lived in a town of about 3000 people and didn't expect to find a guy there, I was also hoping I wouldn't find one there either for a couple of reasons:
1. I marry the guy and I'd probably end up related to 1/2 the town
2. I might not move out of that town if the guy is from there and all his family is there.
I'm sure you can understand my logic there. This town was quite 'hickish' and oppressing as well so am glad to have moved away.
About a week ago I had a dream that I was getting married and afterwards the guests were saying I should've married the best man. Why they would say that is beyond me. Also, when I got the wedding planner's bill, it was $824.00. CHEAP! Nevertheless, when I woke up I had the happy wedding feelings/thoughts/pictures in my mind that I wanted to plan my future wedding. I purchased a hard cover, spiral bound, drawing book with black pages. I bought one wedding magazine (as they are $$$) and thought I could 'browse' in it and cut out my ideas and likes and put them into the book. Well today, a little while ago, I started surfing the web regarding wedding colour ideas and started getting bummed out. Why was I looking at this stuff when I'm not close, at all, to getting married? At first I thought it would be fun to make a 'dream' book for myself but now I just get bummed out. So if I could return the book I would, but the label has been taken off and wrecked :(
So what do I do now? I'm not an extrovert so being in larger than 4-5 people social settings is uncomfortable for me. I haven't joined a club, exercised at the gym, etc for me to meet people. I work on all Sat & Sundays so going to church doesn't happen anymore either. During my bummed out times of thinking on this subject I can almost convince myself that I'll die a spinster. I'd rather not be one but at this rate and my age (which isn't too old, but feels old) I don't see much time left to find the right guy. It would be really nice if he found me. I only had one guy pursue me and that was because he was an ex and he wanted me back while I was dating someone else.
I don't want to be the pursuer anymore....not much success in that, at least for me. WHERE ARE YOU??
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